This Is What I'm Saying

Monday, September 12, 2005

Reasons Why My Name is Angstyjen

I must lose major amounts of weight as soon as possible.

At church yesterday, a woman came up to me – Put Her Hand on My Belly – and asked me if I was pregnant. I told her I’m not, and she said, "Oh, I guess married life is just agreeing with you."

This is the second time that a woman at church has thought I was pregnant. A few weeks ago, a woman came up to me and said, "Well good morning, mommy-to-be!" When I told her I’m not pregnant, she said, "Oh, well I heard from several people that you were."

I feel like putting a note in the church bulletin saying: "Angstyjen is not pregnant. She’s just fat. And for the record, she gained the weight after going on an antidepressant, and she has since gone off the medication, so YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT HER WEIGHT ARE NOT HELPING THE DEPRESSION THING. Thanks."

Basically I feel like the fattest fatty fat person in the history of people. It’s great. Plus, I really don't want to be thinking about my weight at church in the first place - it's SO not why I'm there.

My low self-esteem is taking a toll on my husband, who loves me and wants me to be sane and happy. Of course, the weight gain itself doesn't thrill him either, and I don't blame him for that. Things are good between us, but the weight issue is a bit of an elephant in the room.

Adding to the angst is the fact that I don't want to be this large when I get pregnant. However, we're continuing to try to get pregnant because we want to proceed with that next phase of our life together. So I'm terrified that when I get pregnant, I'll balloon up to legitimate elephant size. And then I'll never lose any of the weight. And eventually my sweet husband will give up on me, and I'll live in a tiny house by myself and one day Richard Simmons will have to send a crane to remove me from my residence.


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