This Is What I'm Saying

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Mobile Frankfurter

On my way to work this morning, I saw the Oscar Meier Weiner Mobile a couple of lanes over from me on 635 West. It was oddly comforting. I mean, if even our processed meat products have to make a living, then surely I can handle going into the office.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Good News/Less Good News

Good news: I lost three pounds last week! And except for accidentally, allegedly having a margarita and a few nachos on Sunday, I ate okay over the weekend.

Less Good news: I'm not pregnant. Despite having never been pregnant before, I just had a feeling I was. I mean, there was plenty of sex (thanks, dear!) and I even inclined my pelvis after each round so that the sperm had an easier swim.

So, under the belief that I just "had" to be with child, I took a pregnancy test on Saturday. And I learned that you don't fully realize how much you want something until you pee on a stick and then find out you didn't get it.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Reasons Why My Name is Angstyjen

I must lose major amounts of weight as soon as possible.

At church yesterday, a woman came up to me – Put Her Hand on My Belly – and asked me if I was pregnant. I told her I’m not, and she said, "Oh, I guess married life is just agreeing with you."

This is the second time that a woman at church has thought I was pregnant. A few weeks ago, a woman came up to me and said, "Well good morning, mommy-to-be!" When I told her I’m not pregnant, she said, "Oh, well I heard from several people that you were."

I feel like putting a note in the church bulletin saying: "Angstyjen is not pregnant. She’s just fat. And for the record, she gained the weight after going on an antidepressant, and she has since gone off the medication, so YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT HER WEIGHT ARE NOT HELPING THE DEPRESSION THING. Thanks."

Basically I feel like the fattest fatty fat person in the history of people. It’s great. Plus, I really don't want to be thinking about my weight at church in the first place - it's SO not why I'm there.

My low self-esteem is taking a toll on my husband, who loves me and wants me to be sane and happy. Of course, the weight gain itself doesn't thrill him either, and I don't blame him for that. Things are good between us, but the weight issue is a bit of an elephant in the room.

Adding to the angst is the fact that I don't want to be this large when I get pregnant. However, we're continuing to try to get pregnant because we want to proceed with that next phase of our life together. So I'm terrified that when I get pregnant, I'll balloon up to legitimate elephant size. And then I'll never lose any of the weight. And eventually my sweet husband will give up on me, and I'll live in a tiny house by myself and one day Richard Simmons will have to send a crane to remove me from my residence.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


It's (close to) the end of the work day, and I'm feeling listy! If you're reading this right now, consider yourself tagged and encouraged to write your own lists!

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
1. Travel extensively
2. Raise a family with James
3. Celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. . .and our 60th. . .together
4. Write at least one good novel5. Learn to dance well6. Use my talents and abilities to the benefit of others
7. Become at peace with every aspect of myself

Seven Things I Can Do
1. Raise my left eyebrow by itself
2. Shoot a basketball decently well
3. Type fast
4. Quote entire poems
5. Win tickle fights every time
6. Spell well
7. Name all the books of the Bible

Seven Things I Can't Do
1. Roll my tongue
2. Knit
3. Drive the speed limit
4. Take naps with ease
5. Watch certain movies/TV shows without crying
6. Eat green peas
7. Vote Republican

Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex
1. Kindness
2. Sense of humor
3. Faithfulness (to God and to me)
4. Dark hair and eyes
5. Having neuroses that are compatible with mine
6. Good kissing and snuggling
7. Being James Pecht

Friday, September 02, 2005

Chewing the Fat

Actual conversation I just had with my co-worker Stephanie:

J - Do you think that liposuction is on our insurance plan?

S - Maybe if we eat ourselves into oblivion and get really huge.

J - Oooh, then we could get that stomach stapling surgery!

S - Yeah! Then we could eat one bite and throw up. That would be awesome.

J - Sweet.

I love being around people who are as screwed up as I am.